"Twenty Things" #6

"Just Because I don't talk about my birth family doesn't mean I don't think about them."



I really like that this book is written from the viewpoint of the adoptee. This chapter talks mostly about how children view their birth parents. As adoptive parents, we have to set aside our fears. We're not keeping up with the Jones' here, pardon the expression. We don't need to feel like we are in competition with the birth parents, trying to win the child's love. The adoptee already loves his adoptive parents! But, reality is, he does have 2 sets of parents, and there's nothing we can do to change that. It is only natural that adoptees think and dream about their birth family, especially if it is a closed adoption. What I got out of this chapter: it's OK for them to wonder about their birth family!

If you have an adopted child, you should make sure your child knows that it's ok to talk about her birth family, and that there is no reason for her to feel guilty or bad about it. The birth parents will always be a part of her life! Personally, I don't WANT my child to "forget" her birth family. After all, these are the people who will give my child life, and I will be eternally grateful! So, I desire to always make an effort to include my child's birth parents in our conversations.

"Twenty Things" #5

I know...I've gotten off track with these. But, I have NOT forgotten about this! I am still reading the book, and I will continue my chapter-by-chapter review :-)

"I need your help in grieving my loss. Teach me how to get in touch with my feelings about my adoption, then validate them."



I think I have mentioned in previous posts that one of the things that I have learned so far is that no matter how much we desire our child, no matter how much we love her, and no matter how much she means to us, we can not change her circumstances. We can not change the fact that she will have suffered such a great loss before she was even born. This is astounding (and hurtful) to me. Oh, how I wish I could make it better! But, since I can't remove the hurt, I must help my child grieve and deal with their circumstances. The first key to this is to help her verbalize her feelings. We, as adoptive parents, must make absolutely certain that we provide a safe place for our children to share with us their feelings...regardless of what those feelings might be. Adopted children need to know that we love them just the way they are, and that there is nothing that they need to do to "deserve" our love.

We need to be in tune to our children, and take their ques. We need to know when to talk with them about their adoption, and to let them know that we are here for them whenever they want to talk. But what about the kids who don't know how to put their feelings into words? One of the book's suggestions is to help your child work through their feelings through play. It can be acting out stories like what it was like at the hospital on adoption day, or playing with dolls or barbies and pretending one of the dolls is adopted, or even writing a story together about it. I really liked those ideas. I think those are some creative ways to help a child walk through their grief.

Some other suggestions to help the child work through his grief in the book are:

• Create a Lifebook
• Let her write letters to her birthmom. If you can't mail them to her, keep them in a box or a scrapbook.
• Give your child privacy. He may want to work through it alone at times.
• Expose him to other adoptees.
• Always remind your child of his strengths.

Thankful Overload!

I started this season in a depressed state, not thankful for much. I was so disappointed that we had to spend yet another holiday without children. And, while I do grieve that we can't yet share our traditions with our kids, I have realized that I really do have SOOOO much to be thankful for! In perfect Type A Personality fashion, here is a list :)

• My amazing, supportive, and loving husband
• The fact that we made it through the adoption process and are just waiting for the call
• The peace that God has granted us throughout our infertility/adoption journey
• The fact that my husband miraculously got today OFF!
• My wonderful family
• My amazing friends. Especially grateful for Jennifer, who has become one of my main support systems. So glad we have grown so close! Thankful for reconnections with old friends, too.
  
• And so much more!

We are spending the day just the 2 of us, being thankful for what is hopefully one of our last Thanksgivings just the 2 of us. As much as I look forward to sharing our traditions with our kids, I am not going to take this time for granted. Brandon cooked breakfast this morning, and I'm cooking dinner. We're watching the parade now, and we're about to whip out the board games and movies! I can't think of a better way to spend Thanksgiving :)

Insert Witty Christmas Related Title Here

We've finally got it looking like Christmas around our house! Those of you who know me know that I normally have my tree up 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. I know...ridiculous. BUT, we finally got our decorations out last night and started putting them up. We haven't put up the tree yet, though. Here's a funny story about that....

Last year, Brandon's grandparents gave us their HUGE 8 foot tree for the new house. They had used it for several years, but it was a really, really nice prelit one. They came down one day while I was working and helped Brandon put the tree up. They told him whatever he did NOT to take it apart! They told him to make sure and put it in the attic as one piece or we'd never get it back together. I know what you're thinking...he took it down. Wrong! He just forgot one small detail. He forgot to tell ME not to take it down! So, I started taking it down thinking it wouldn't take very long. "Not very long" turned into an all day chore. I fought and fought with that tree, and in the end...I won. Or so I thought. I got it all stuffed into 2 ginormous tree bags and had them ready to go into the attic when Brandon got home. I was so proud of myself! I just knew Brandon would be proud of me, and happy that he didn't have to fool with it after working all day. Little did I know, the look on his face when he walked in was more....horrified...than proud. He instantly realized that he forgot to tell me not to take it apart. You see, this tree is not in 3 sections like most trees (I learned this as I was fighting Mr. Tree). It's one HUGE pole, and each pre-lit branch attaches seperately and connects to the next branch. So now, we have 2 huge tree bags full of branches and a big pole. Luckily, his Grandparents are coming down Saturday to help us get it back up. Woops!

We did start a new Christmas tradition this year I think. While we decorated, we watched the cartoon version of "The Grinch" and all 3 of the Holiday episodes of Garfield on DVD (Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas). I think this tradition should stick. I can't wait to watch those with our kids!

I am really looking forward to this weekend. Brandon somehow managed to get Thursday, Saturday, AND Sunday off! Tomorrow, we are staying home, just the 2 of us. I'm cooking a small meal for us and we are going to stay in our jammies, watch movies, and play board games. And probably take a nap or 2. I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to this! We're eating at my parents' on Friday, and going out with his parents on Saturday.

Oh! One other thing we are doing this weekend...we decided we wanted to do something baby related, but buying gifts seemed a little over the top, and I'm afraid it would depress me to wrap toys and have no one to open them. So, we decided instead to go pick out a stocking for the baby and fill it with some little baby items. This will be our baby tribute this year, and we can use that stocking for years to come. Last year we bought a cute angel ornament for the tree that says "Already in our hearts."

What are your Thanksgiving plans?

I love girl time!

This weekend has been a pretty good one. I haven't gotten much house cleaning done at all, but it has been well worth it! I hate how fast the weekends go by, but I am very much looking forward to the short 3 day work week!! YAY for Holidays!

Today, I went wedding dress shopping with my BEST friend in the whole wide world :) We had a blast! Oh how I LOVE LOVE LOVE weddings! I get so excited! And I am so honored to get to walk through the process with Jennifer! She must've tried on at least 10 dresses today, and she was stunning in every single one of them! I think she has decided on the 2nd one she tried on. It was the only one that actually made her gasp and made her jaw drop. Oh, how I remember that feeling of trying on dresses and feeling so beautiful! I wish I could post a pic of her in her dress, but we wouldn't want the Mr. to go snooping around! ;)

I also get to plan her bridal shower (if you know me at all, you know how happy this makes me!). Not only do I love planning parties, but it makes it that much better when it's for someone I care about. I am so glad to have something to keep me busy for the next few months. Hopefully it will keep my mind off of the baby for a bit.

Speaking of which, this year the holidays are somewhat drab for me. I just haven't been able to get into the spirit yet. It is almost depressing in a way. Every year I think, "maybe next year we'll have a baby to buy Christmas gifts for!" So, as each year comes and goes, it gets harder and harder to see a tree with no toys underneath it. It gets harder and harder not to hear that little bitty laugh to bring joy to the season. But, I know that we should treasure these last Christmases together alone. So, that's what we will attempt to do. Not sure how that will work, though.

Alone in a Crowded Room

Wow...I have been crazy busy lately! My new job keeps my days filled, which I really like. I don't have time to get bored. Before, I sat at my desk answering phones, which left me with a lot of time to stare at the wall and watch the clock. So, I am loving how quickly my days pass now. Hopefully it will stay that way after the new wears off.

I had a pretty good weekend. Saturday, I got to go visit my best friend Jennifer at her new apartment. We didn't do a lot...just hung out. But it was a really good time :) I love my friends!

Yesterday I had a hard day, though. We went to Target to pick up some contact solution, and, as always, I had to stroll through the baby department. I really wanted to buy something, but Brandon gave me that "Oh please...can we leave now?" look. I get that a lot. I ended up being really sad the rest of the day. It is so hard to explain. I know those days will come and go, and that they are a part of this journey, but they are so hard. A lot of the time I feel like NO ONE understands...not even Brandon. I came to the realization yesterday that Brandon and I are both dealing with the wait time very differently. I daydream, shop, and plan. I talk about the baby. I think about it all the time. Brandon on the other hand, finds it easier to just ignore it all and pretend it isn't happening. He changes the subject. He finds it too hard to look at baby stuff or be around kids. Neither way is necessarily wrong by any means, it just makes it even harder when the one person who is supposed to understand....doesn't.

Anytime I mention baby anything to family, I get the response, "we'll get it when it's time. We'll buy a crib when it's time. Your baby will come home when it's the right time." I get so tired of hearing "when it's time!" To me, when someone says that, they may as well say, "Don't forget...you'll have to wait 3 years...don't forget about the looooooong wait." That's what I hear. That feels hopeless to me. That makes me feel like there's nothing to look forward to. No one gets that it isn't about the crib...it isn't about the stroller. It's about feeling like there WILL be a baby in our house. For me, it's therapy. It makes me happy to buy baby things. It makes me feel like I have a reason to be excited. But everytime I get excited, I get shot down. I know that people mean well. I can't expect them to understand. But it is still incredibly frustrating. I have all these people around me who love us, but NO ONE gets it. I can't talk about it because no one else wants to talk about it. If I am sad, no one gets that I'm just sad...they want to bug me about why I'm sad and give me advice that makes me feel no better. So, 90% of the time I just keep my thoughts to myself. I'm afraid that the people around me will think I'm silly if I cry at the mention of a baby. And trust me, talk to me about it for more than 5 seconds and I'm guaranteed to at least tear up. Not always sad tears, though...sometimes excited tears.

I know this post was a *smidge* depressing, but, again, that's part of this journey. I want to share my journey openly on here so that other people who are having these same feelings will know that they are not alone. Thanks for listening to my ranting :)

Woohoo! Promoted!

I finally got a promotion! I'm pretty excited. It isn't really much more pay, but every little bit helps! And the best (and most exciting) part is, I am no longer tied down to the front desk! YAY me! I used to be the secretary, so I was tied to the phone ALL day long...such a drag. It was a good job, don't get me wrong, and I had a great boss, but it is so irritating not being able to get up and walk away for a minute. I'm still working in the same office, but not at the front desk anymore. It is sooo nice to be able to go to the little ladies' room without permission :-)