Mine has. I always thought of myself as having this unwaivering faith that could never be shaken. Not so. Infertility is one surefire way to have your faith all shaken up. Throughout the journey, I've tried to be faithful to God, but I have to admit, I get angry. I get sad. I get disappointed. And I feel like God has let me down. And I've let him know it, too. See, I believe that God is a big boy, and he can handle me being mad at him. Plus, it's not like He doesn't know what I'm feeling anyway, so why not let Him know it? I've had several moments where I've just all out screamed at Him for letting me down. And, I believe that it's ok to do that.
Lately, I've really struggled with my faith. So has Brandon. We've had so many questions, a lot of them being "why" questions. Why can't we have a baby? Why does He allow people to have babies that don't deserve them and don't even want them? What about the lady who left her 3-month-old in the car for 6 hours in 100 degree heat while she went into a bar? Or the lady whose 4 kids were taken away because they were covered in feces and living in a house with 3 dead dogs? Or the lady who just flat-out didn't feed her child, and starved him to death? When is it going to be MY turn? I would take much better care of those babies! Why is it so easy for some? Why does it seem like everyone EXCEPT me is pregnant? Why, God? WHY WHY WHY?
Needless to say, I've kind of turned my back on God. I haven't been to church in months. I haven't prayed (except when voicing my anger, or begging for a baby), and I certainly haven't been in His word. Don't get me wrong, I still love God...its just that my actions aren't showing it.
The thing that I adore about God is that sometimes he just sits, like a parent, and watches us have our temper tantrums....watches us make fools of ourselves. I can't help but to imagine him sitting there, smiling as if to say, "Are you done yet?" And then, when we are finally done kicking and screaming, he opens his arms and gives us a big hug. That's where I'm at now....falling back into His arms. And it's such a great feeling.
I've been doing a Bible study titled, "Lord, Change My Attitude." It's been a much needed kick in the pants. The entire first week focused on complaining. The main thing I realized is that complaining isn't always a verbal thing. We can complain through our attitudes and actions as well. Boy, have I been complaining! I also realized that my complaining is an insult to God. I've been telling Him that all of the blessings He's given me aren't enough....I want more. But, that's just not how God operates. So, in moving forward in the healing process, I am realizing that while it's ok to be angry, hurt, and confused, and while it's ok to talk to God about it and be honest, it's not OK to just walk out on Him. He wants me to trust Him, even when things don't make sense. I know, elementary stuff, huh?
I know that I have not been in your will lately. I have been so angry, and so caught up in what what I want, and in what I don't have, that I have forgotten all about the many blessings you have given me. Forgive me. Cleanse me. Give me a new heart, and a new faith. I am still hurting, but now I realize that I need YOUR peace and comfort to get me through. I literally can NOT do it without you. Help me to heal. Give me peace and comfort in your Word, and in your timing. I know that your plan is better than mine, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Thank you for loving me in the midst of my anguish. I'm not done being angry or hurt yet, but I know that if I lean on you, you will walk me through, and you and I will be so much stronger than we were before. I love you.