Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Holiday Weekends

I love holiday weekends. That one extra day makes such an enormous difference. I'm able to get so much more done and still feel somewhat human when I return to work (even though I'd rather not have to return to work...we can always use "one more day"). This weekend was...somewhat productive. I didn't finish all I wanted to, but I did get some cleaning done, cooked a lot, completed an awesome pinterest project, reorganized our bedroom closet (well, cleaned it up), and worked on a special project. That one's a secret though ;)

Here's the Pinterest project I made:

It's 2 16x20 canvases (on sale at Hobby Lobby for $7.99 for the 2 pack), photos that I had printed in black and white, cut down to 4x4's, and mod podge. I swear mod podge is the best invention. Ever. I just might be making some of these for Christmas gifts this year. I think my goal for this Christmas is to make most of the Christmas gifts. Frugal Christmas! I know, it's early...but that's a lot of gifts to make!

One of my goals this year is for spiritual growth. I admit, I have never been good at reading the Bible every day....I'm not even good at praying regularly. I know, that is terrible. But, I want to work on that. I bought a women's devotional this weekend, and I already love it. It only takes about 5 minutes, so I don't feel overwhelmed trying to find an hour a day for it. But it gives me a little boost. I'm also keeping a journal about my spiritual journey.

Have a Happy Tuesday!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Self Pity Monster

So, here's the truth about adoption. It isn't always pretty. Sometimes it downright sucks. I know that the entire picture of adoption is a beautiful one...one full of grace, love, and mercy. But along the road, there are bumps and potholes, and sometimes you just want to put it in park and break down. This is one of those times.

The longer we wait, the harder the waiting gets. And most of the time, I feel completely and utterly alone. In my mind, not one soul on the face of the earth understands how I feel. I know, that's stretching it...there are plenty of people who have gone down this road before me, and they DO know. But at the same time, those people are no longer waiting...they are at home with their beautiful babies, and they now know the feeling that I want to know so badly; the feeling of completion, of seeing this journey come full circle. Most of the time I feel like I have been left behind, as if we are the only ones left waiting. And then I start questioning myself. I find myself looking through our profile and asking myself "if I were a bmom, what would I think? What is it about us that's wrong? Have I given off a poor image or said something that comes across incorrectly that is making these mothers push us aside?"

Then I remember that the agency warned us of this, and that it's completely normal to wonder those things, but that we must remember that when the right mom sees our profile, God will draw her to us. It still doesn't make me feel any better, but I keep reminding myself anway.

There are days, such as today, when I just want to crawl back into my bed and pull the covers over my head and drift between sleeping and crying. Wow. That really sounds pathetic reading that backwards. But, I believe it's important for me to be completely honest, so that anyone reading this who is going through it will know they aren't alone.

Truth is, there are days when I get really angry with God (and I'm thankful that he forgives me for that). Sometimes I feel like he's just withholding it from me for kicks. Again, I know this isn't the truth, but in my moment of sadness and frustration, the thought comes across.

I think the worst part about this is, if you know me at all, you know I am 100% a type A personality. Waiting is NOT one of my strengths, and this situation is completely out of my control. I have no influence whatsoever over when or how this happens, or how it will play out. We are at the mercy of some poor woman who is faced with the hardest decision of her life. Which brings me to another sad subject: guilt. When I start feeling so sad and just want so badly to be chosen, I feel guilty because we are, in a way, hoping that a woman will be put in such a dire, sad circumstance, and that she will sacrifice everything and hand her baby to us. What kind of person am I for wanting anyone to go through that?

Well, how's that for a pick-me-up?

Monday, January 9, 2012

Goals for 2012

And because I am a Type A Personality, I'm going to do this in list format (in no particular order):

1. Lose 50 lbs. Slow and steady, with small changes. Not focusing on the number, but simply making changes that make me feel good about me.

2. Organize my house! I want to take one area at a time...whether it be a closet, drawer, or space, and re-organize it, ending the year with an organized home!

3. Complete the baby's room.

4. Dig into my Bible more. I desperately need growth in that area.

5. Keep up with my personal journal.

Worst Blogger Award!

I think I deserve the Worst Blogger Award! :(

Maybe that should be one of my goals for this year- to get back into the blogging world. Anywho, here's what's been going on recently.

Christmas was alright. "Santa" was very good to us this year, and we are appreciative. I feel like a grinch for saying it, but I was glad to see it go. Christmas just isn't as fun as it used to be. I'm hoping that fun will return when we have little ones to live vicariously through.

Brandon and I had a week off of work (well, I had 11 days) together, and it was fabulous. We ripped all of the carpet out of our livingroom/entryway/hallway. We had the intention of laying laminate flooring- ourselves. We very QUICKLY learned that laying laminate is nowhere near as easy as everyone makes it sound! Long story short, we ended up having to call a contractor to install them. But, in the end, I am glad we did. He did a beautiful job! We are hoping and praying this will end Katy's little peeing problem.

Yes, I realize the cat likes to sit on the coffee table. Sheesh.

Let's see....OH! My mom finally decided to get a dog! We've been after her for a couple of years to get a pet. They haven't had any pets since our 16-year-old dog, Brandy, had to be put down 7 years ago. Since mom and Dad are both retired now, they needed a companion. So while on Christmas vacation, my sis and I went with mom to the humane society to adopt a dog. Meet Maggie! She is a 3 year old Beagle mix who was found pregnant on the side of the road. Someone had apparently found out she was pregnant and just dumped her. She is an extremely loving dog and LOVES to play. She gets really excited, but she is so sweet! We adore her :-)

On a sad note, my Aunt Jeannie lost her battle with colon cancer just before Christmas. It was such a difficult time, and surely didn't help with my holiday sadness, but I know she is much happier and healthier now. We sure miss her though.

Adoption wise, no news to share. Still no word whatsoever from the agency, and I get really frustrated about it sometimes. It seems as though they could care less about us, only about our money. I hope that isn't the case, but it definitely doesn't make me want to consider this agency for future adoptions. We are praying diligently that 2012 is our year!