Monday, March 28, 2011

Bittersweet Moments

Yesterday, I was working in the nursery at church. I was placed in the overflow room, and I ended up with only 1 baby, a 10-month-old little boy. I had to work both the Sunday School hour and the Worship hour, so I got to give him plenty of attention, which he loved. During the second hour, he got fussy, so I turned on some lullaby music and started rocking him. He was out cold in no time. He slept on my shoulder for a solid hour, with one arm around my neck, and the other holding tightly onto my shirt. It was the sweetest time, and I couldn't help but thank God for giving me that precious time. But, at the same time, it was sad. Bittersweet. I couldn't help but think how I have to give this child back to his parents, and how I can't wait to be able to do that with my child. I will try to remember that at 3am when I'm trying to get my kid to sleep. :) I used to teach Sunday School and Wednesday nights, but I quit doing both right before we decided to adopt. It simply got too difficult working with kids all the time. I found myself resenting the parents and distancing myself from the kids, which was even harder because I love working with kids so much. At that time, I was in a place where we were realizing that the fertility treatments weren't working, and that we really may not be able to conceive. It was a really hard reality for us, and even harder to say out loud. We were at rock bottom and didn't know what we were going to do. I couldn't bear the thought of going through life childless, and Brandon wasn't interested in adoption at that point. I got to the point where every week when I left my class at church, I would cry all the way home. I wanted to be that parent that came to pick my child up. I wanted to be the one that they squealed and ran for. I wanted to be the one the cried for. So, I quit. Then last August, God started pulling me back into service. He gave me my time to grieve. My sweet friend Shannon called me and asked if I would help her on Wednesday nights. I couldn't say no! I've been teaching with her since August, and I love it. Last week, I got a call from our childcare coordinator asking if I could help out each week for a few months until she found some regulars to help out. I felt like God was calling me to do this, so I said yes. Now, I'm not sure if I'll continue doing it after those 2 months are up or not....we'll just see how it goes. Hopefully it won't be emotionally too much. But, I feel like God has given me some time to deal with our loss and come to terms with things, and now he's telling me it's time to stand up and get back in the swing of things. We still grieve and we still hurt. I still get sad sometimes that I won't be carrying my child myself, and the waiting is incredibly hard, but I know this is where God wants me. I feel like he is giving me this opportunity to serve without a long-term commitment. It may sound odd, but I'm really thankful. I'm so glad that God gave us that time to grieve. It has made me realize that God really does know that we hurt, and that he empathizes with us. It makes me realize that He really has been there all along, even though it hasn't felt like it.

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