Monday, November 8, 2010

Alone in a Crowded Room

Wow...I have been crazy busy lately! My new job keeps my days filled, which I really like. I don't have time to get bored. Before, I sat at my desk answering phones, which left me with a lot of time to stare at the wall and watch the clock. So, I am loving how quickly my days pass now. Hopefully it will stay that way after the new wears off.

I had a pretty good weekend. Saturday, I got to go visit my best friend Jennifer at her new apartment. We didn't do a lot...just hung out. But it was a really good time :) I love my friends!

Yesterday I had a hard day, though. We went to Target to pick up some contact solution, and, as always, I had to stroll through the baby department. I really wanted to buy something, but Brandon gave me that "Oh please...can we leave now?" look. I get that a lot. I ended up being really sad the rest of the day. It is so hard to explain. I know those days will come and go, and that they are a part of this journey, but they are so hard. A lot of the time I feel like NO ONE understands...not even Brandon. I came to the realization yesterday that Brandon and I are both dealing with the wait time very differently. I daydream, shop, and plan. I talk about the baby. I think about it all the time. Brandon on the other hand, finds it easier to just ignore it all and pretend it isn't happening. He changes the subject. He finds it too hard to look at baby stuff or be around kids. Neither way is necessarily wrong by any means, it just makes it even harder when the one person who is supposed to understand....doesn't.

Anytime I mention baby anything to family, I get the response, "we'll get it when it's time. We'll buy a crib when it's time. Your baby will come home when it's the right time." I get so tired of hearing "when it's time!" To me, when someone says that, they may as well say, "Don't'll have to wait 3 years...don't forget about the looooooong wait." That's what I hear. That feels hopeless to me. That makes me feel like there's nothing to look forward to. No one gets that it isn't about the isn't about the stroller. It's about feeling like there WILL be a baby in our house. For me, it's therapy. It makes me happy to buy baby things. It makes me feel like I have a reason to be excited. But everytime I get excited, I get shot down. I know that people mean well. I can't expect them to understand. But it is still incredibly frustrating. I have all these people around me who love us, but NO ONE gets it. I can't talk about it because no one else wants to talk about it. If I am sad, no one gets that I'm just sad...they want to bug me about why I'm sad and give me advice that makes me feel no better. So, 90% of the time I just keep my thoughts to myself. I'm afraid that the people around me will think I'm silly if I cry at the mention of a baby. And trust me, talk to me about it for more than 5 seconds and I'm guaranteed to at least tear up. Not always sad tears, though...sometimes excited tears.

I know this post was a *smidge* depressing, but, again, that's part of this journey. I want to share my journey openly on here so that other people who are having these same feelings will know that they are not alone. Thanks for listening to my ranting :)

1 comment:

Alison B. said...

man i remember that feeling of wanting to shop and buy things. i OBSESSED about setting up a nursery until it was done. i mean it was all i could think about. so little by little we worked on it. we saved up and bought and assembled our crib (one of our biggest fights ever working on that thing) and had it done in about three months. even though that nursery sat empty for nine more months, it was done and i felt ready. i was able to go in there for my quiet times or just do something to prepare. i loved having that project to work on as we waited. once it was done i didn't obsess about it any longer.