Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Hold It

Well, it’s been quite a while since I wrote. I took a sabbatical from Blogger for a bit. Quite honestly, I wasn’t sure what to say…how much, how little, and how to put it. I wasn’t sure how public I wanted to make it. But, I decided since I’ve been getting questions about it recently, I’d just put it out there so you all know what’s up.

About a month ago, we made the incredibly hard decision to put the adoption on hold. This decision did not come easily, for obvious reasons, but we felt that it was the best decision at the time. That being said, I have absolutely no idea where our adoption journey will go from here….whether it is dead in the water, or whether God will lead us to pick it up at a later date. Not a clue. What I do know is that for the first time in a VERY long time, we are putting God in complete control. We are learning big lessons about real faith. Hard lessons. Heartbreaking lessons.

I’m sure you’re wondering why we made the decision. Truth is, there are several. True to myself, I’ll share some of them in list form.

A) We’ve had some ongoing issues with our agency. Since being placed on the list 2 years ago for Birthmothers to view, the only time we have received personal contact from our agency to check on us was last August when it was time for us to do our annual update. Never one phone call or email. In the last 2 years, we’ve had 3 different social workers, and the office staff has changed multiple times. Also, our annual update was initially supposed to cost $250 paid to the agency. At the time we went through our homestudy, we were told we would only have to do physicals, pet vaccinations, etc each year…only those things you do annually anyway. However, once we were approved the agency changed its policies. We now have to do fingerprints, background checks, and a home visit every year. We miss 1-2 days of work to do all of this, and what was supposed to cost $250 cost us $500 last year. In addition to THAT, when we were first approved, the amount we would have to pay at placement was $7,000. Keep in mind we have received a $5,000 grant from Show Hope, so all we had left to save was $2,000 plus attorney fees. At last years update, our placement fee was increased to $9,100 and would be increased again this year. I say this not to make the agency look bad or to sway anyone’s opinion of them, this is just our experience.

B) The federal government has done away with the adoption tax credit in which we were depending. Previously, the year you finalize an adoption, you could claim a $13,000 tax credit, and if that is an overage, you would get it back as a return. Most families take out a loan to pay for the adoption, and then use that money to pay it off and it GREATLY reduces your out of pocket costs. As it stands right now, you get a $13,000 credit, but it will only make your balance owed $0.00, you do not receive any overages as a return. Next year, it is going down to around $6,000. This leaves us with $10,000 in debt, and if we continue with the adoption, we will be left with more than $20,000 that we will receive no help to pay off. Yes, I realize some people think it’s nuts to go into debt for an adoption, and that’s fine…but I respectfully ask that you keep that thought to yourself. It does not help our situation and doesn’t help my heart. (Yes, people do voice their “opinions” about adoption and it gets quite disheartening). I don’t know very many people who can walk in and write a $20,000 check for an adoption. We certainly couldn’t.

C) Since starting to lose weight (I’ll do an update post on that later), well, let’s just say I’ve had some “signs” that my body is changing. Without getting too personal, we’ll say my body is doing some things it has never done on it’s own. I’ve been seeking medical treatment, and for the time being I am on birth control for a short term. Don’t get excited…I’m not sure what it means, or if anything will happen. I’m trying not to get my hopes up. But it’s hard.

Now, all of that being said, we both had a very clear instruction from God to put this on hold. We still aren’t totally sure why, but my hope is that He is planning to bless us. Don’t know when, don’t know how. But His word tells me to come to Him expectantly. This is where we are learning to fully trust him and him alone. I don’t “know” that God is going to give us a child, and I certainly don’t know HOW he will, but I trust that He will…in HIS time. Some days that is harder to accept than others. Some days are incredibly difficult. Others, my heart is full of hope and peace.

I read a book called Waiting On God by Cherie Hill. Excellent read about how God uses these times…the quiet times…to draw us nearer to Him. Even when it feels like He has left us high and dry, He is right by our side, waiting for His perfect moment. I take comfort in that.

Prayers are much appreciated as we continue on this journey. We are so grateful for all the support of so many.

1 comment:

Cindy Stockdale said...

I hope things work out for you two! :D Lot's of luck.