Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Self Pity Monster

So, here's the truth about adoption. It isn't always pretty. Sometimes it downright sucks. I know that the entire picture of adoption is a beautiful full of grace, love, and mercy. But along the road, there are bumps and potholes, and sometimes you just want to put it in park and break down. This is one of those times.

The longer we wait, the harder the waiting gets. And most of the time, I feel completely and utterly alone. In my mind, not one soul on the face of the earth understands how I feel. I know, that's stretching it...there are plenty of people who have gone down this road before me, and they DO know. But at the same time, those people are no longer waiting...they are at home with their beautiful babies, and they now know the feeling that I want to know so badly; the feeling of completion, of seeing this journey come full circle. Most of the time I feel like I have been left behind, as if we are the only ones left waiting. And then I start questioning myself. I find myself looking through our profile and asking myself "if I were a bmom, what would I think? What is it about us that's wrong? Have I given off a poor image or said something that comes across incorrectly that is making these mothers push us aside?"

Then I remember that the agency warned us of this, and that it's completely normal to wonder those things, but that we must remember that when the right mom sees our profile, God will draw her to us. It still doesn't make me feel any better, but I keep reminding myself anway.

There are days, such as today, when I just want to crawl back into my bed and pull the covers over my head and drift between sleeping and crying. Wow. That really sounds pathetic reading that backwards. But, I believe it's important for me to be completely honest, so that anyone reading this who is going through it will know they aren't alone.

Truth is, there are days when I get really angry with God (and I'm thankful that he forgives me for that). Sometimes I feel like he's just withholding it from me for kicks. Again, I know this isn't the truth, but in my moment of sadness and frustration, the thought comes across.

I think the worst part about this is, if you know me at all, you know I am 100% a type A personality. Waiting is NOT one of my strengths, and this situation is completely out of my control. I have no influence whatsoever over when or how this happens, or how it will play out. We are at the mercy of some poor woman who is faced with the hardest decision of her life. Which brings me to another sad subject: guilt. When I start feeling so sad and just want so badly to be chosen, I feel guilty because we are, in a way, hoping that a woman will be put in such a dire, sad circumstance, and that she will sacrifice everything and hand her baby to us. What kind of person am I for wanting anyone to go through that?

Well, how's that for a pick-me-up?

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