Drawing Near

Whoa. My heart is heavy. So heavy. Lately, I have really felt as though I have been neglecting God. Because of Brandon's work schedule, we haven't been to church much lately, and I am not getting "fed." Neither Brandon nor myself make the time to read the word, or even pray like we should. It's basically like our relationship with God has become non-existant. Yet, still, even when we have completely abandoned Him, He has still continued to bless us SO SO richly! He has not only blessed us with the ability to buy a house, but he has also blessed Brandon with a MUCH needed promotion, and He gave us not just any ole house, but a VERY nice house priced $40,000 below it's worth, plus an $8,000 tax refund for buying, AND He has made the process fairly easy for the most part. It's ridiculous how much we have been blessed, all while we ignored Him. Why? Why would he do that? Is it simply because He loves us? Or is there more to it? Is He trying to get our attention? Well, God, you've got it! I just feel like...well...such a bad Christian! I feel Him drawing me to Him, and I am so thankful. Even though it is painful to realize that you have become one of those who just scoff at Him, I am thankful for the rude awakening. He has also been opening my husband's eyes, and that has been an amazing thing to see.

Do you know anyone on this Earth, including yourself, who would give so much to someone who had completely abandoned them? I sure wouldn't do that! For example, my heart has been hurting lately because of a certain friend. She and I were BEST friends...practically inseperable for years...until I got married. Then she got married. Now, our relationship is pretty much non-existant. And that hurts me. I have tried and tried and tried to get her to make time for me...to have lunch or coffee, or just to call and say hello! But, to no avail. If I don't call her or write her, she doesn't put forth any effort. She acts as though she could care less whether we are friends anymore or not, and that hurts. There's no other way to put it. I miss her. I miss our friendship. And I think it's ridiculous that just because we are married, we can't have that friendship anymore. But I think that gives me just a teeny tiny taste of how God feels when he tries to spend time with us, and we blow him off. I get so angry with this friend. I get very upset. To the point where I've decided to let her go, which I do believe is the right thing to do, but it still hurts. But, who am I to get so angry with her when I do the same exact thing to my Savior??

I've also noticed my increasingly bad attitude at work. My job gets to me sometimes. I am surrounded by women twice my age, and all they know how to do is talk about everyone else and start drama. There are a few people in particular that NO ONE likes. They are devious, manipulative, lying, hateful, and rude. And I have developed a bad attitude with them (if you know me at all, you will know that I am VERY mild tempered, soft spoken, quiet, and I am very good at holding my tongue...but I can only hold it so long). I posted the video to this song in a previous blog, and ever since I heard this song, it has spoken volumes to me. Who am I? Where do I get the idea that I am such a good Christian that I can treat people like that, even when they deserve it? Don't get me wrong, sometimes things need to be said, but there is a right way and a wrong way to do it. I've been going about it all wrong. Not only have I been saying hateful things about them, but I haven't been saying it to their faces (well, sometimes I do)! I have caught myself running back to my coworkers' cube talking about them! I am the office gossip! I HATE gossip! I think I have just held my tongue for so long, that now I just feel the need to vent, and of course I go to my coworker to vent. There's nothing wrong with venting, but I shouldn't be doing it at work. That's what Brandon's for! :P

So, through all of this, I have been forced to ask myself, "What do I know of Holy?"

I made You promises a thousand times

I tried to hear from Heaven

But I talked the whole time

I think I made You too small

I never feared You at all

No

If You touched my face would I know You?

Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)What do I know of You

Who spoke me into motion?

Where have I even stood

But the shore along Your ocean?

Are You fire? Are You fury?Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?

What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out

I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about

How You were mighty to save

Those were only empty words on a page

Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be

The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)What do I know of You

Who spoke me into motion?

Where have I even stood

But the shore along Your ocean?

Are You fire? Are You fury?Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?

What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?

And a God who gave life "its" name?

What do I know of Holy?

Of the One who the angels praise?

All creation knows Your name

On earth and heaven above

What do I know of this love?(CHORUS)

What do I know of YouWho spoke me into motion?

Where have I even stood

But the shore along Your ocean?

Are You fire? Are You fury?Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?

What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?What do I know of Holy?