We are anxiously waiting for a call from the doctor, to tell us if we are pregnant or not. I have tried not to get my hopes up, because I am too familiar with the disappointment. But it's too late. I can't help myself! Yet, while being anxious and really hoping that there is a little baby in there, I still get overwhelmed with negative thoughts. "It's probably nothing, again." "It's never going to happen." "What's wrong with me? Why can't I do what is supposed to be so natural?" "What have I done wrong for God to punish me?" These are very human thoughts, and Satan is using them to his advantage...to take my eyes off of Jesus.
A wonderful friend gave me a passage to read today (Romans 4). I actually cried as I read it. Sometimes I forget how it feels to read scripture and feel as though God wrote it JUST for me.
Romans 4 speaks about Abraham's faith. We all know Abraham was a great man of faith, but he was also just that...a man. Human. Just like us. He, too, struggled (and with infertility of all things!). He questioned God from time to time.
13 Clearly, God’s promise to give the whole earth to Abraham and his descendants was based not on his obedience to God’s law, but on a right relationship with God that comes by faith. 14 If God’s promise is only for those who obey the law, then faith is not necessary and the promise is pointless.
This verse was so reassuring. There is nothing I have done wrong to cause this. It isn't a punishment. And, when the Lord chooses to give us a bundle of joy (if that time is not today), then I must realize that it is not a reward for doing good, or obeying. If all we had to do to get good rewards in life was do as we are told, then what would we need to trust God for? What good would faith do if all that was necessary was to be obedient? Then we would just follow the rules and our lives would be wonderful! But, that is not what God intends for us. He wants me to TRUST him...fully and completely.
We are on fertility medicine. And when you take these, sometimes it is very easy to put your faith in the medical aspect. "Well, the pills aren't working, so I can't get pregnant." "My body isn't working, so I can't get pregnant." And, if the medicine DOES work, and I get pregnant, it would be very easy to say "The pills worked! Praise God, the pills worked!" What a contradiction that would be!
While I am taking these medicines, I am going to choose, from now on, to trust that God will be faithful. He will come through! He is much stronger than medical science! And, when he does come through (WHEN, not if), I will praise HIM that HE alone has fulfilled his promise and blessed us. The pills won't get the credit.
Lord, I am sorry that I lost faith in you. It is easy to get down and disappointed. Lord, I would absolutely love it if I am pregnant. But, God, if I am not, I'll still praise you, for I know you have plans for us. I love you, and I choose to trust you, and you alone.