Friday, September 12, 2008

God's Megaphone

C.S. Lewis once said, as stated in The Purpose Driven Life, "Pain is God's Megaphone." Well, God.... you can stop yelling now...I have a headache! God has sent me through a whirlwind of emotion in the past month or so, and it doesn't seem to be coming to an end anytime soon. Half of the emotion is an overwhelming amount of joy and realization for the love that God has for me, and I tear up just thinking that He loves me soooo much! The rest of it...well, not so much joy. It's a lot of mixed emotion, but it's the kind where you know He's at work so you're happy in a way because you know something big is coming, but you wish it would come already so the frustration would subside. I am frustrated with everything in life right now....finances, my husband, my career, the fact that I want to go back to school so badly but it just doesn't seem possible. I've had this nagging feeling lately about school...of course, this isn't the first time. God has called me to be a teacher... Pre-K or Kindergarten to be exact, and I have known this since I myself was in Kindergarten and loved my own teacher so much I wanted to be just like her. And I have always had a very strong passion for children, and a God-given talent for teaching them. So I am struggling with knowing what to do. I can't just quit my job...we would never be able to pay the bills. Working part time is no option for me...must be full time. But a full time job AND full time school? I've tried part time school... I am just the type of person that has to do all or nothing I suppose. I want to be obedient, but I want to make sure we will be ok, too. Very scary. Then there is the work he is doing in me through the Purpose Driven Life, which has been amazing. However, I am seeing so many weaknesses in myself. Right now I have the classic scenario of the devil on one shoulder showing me all of my faults and God on the other telling me how much He loves me. And I am frustrated with everyone. I'm frustrated with my husband. My greatest strength is my greatest weakness....my love for people. I love my husband SO much that I just tend to tell him how to be...how to think, and I seem to think it should be that simple. Brandon and I were raised completely differently. Like north and south different. Black and white different. So I tend to say, "well, you know that you were taught wrong in this area, and you know what's right, so just change your thinking." But it isn't always that easy, even though I think it should be because I have always thought that way. He has no goals in life, but why would he when has been told all his life that he couldn't do what he wanted to do? Yeah, I know, I'm rambling and venting. But there are just so many issues going through my mind right now...my weaknesses as a wife, the decision on school, whether or not to buy a house, my husband, and so much more, I don't know what to deal with first. All I know is, God is doing something big in me. I'm sure it will be worth it in the end.

1 comment:

Katie said...

Kelly, I wish that I had some wisdom to give you...What I can tell you is that I'm praying for you as you seek God's will on our next step.