When Sock Monkeys Make You Smile

It's funny how things happen sometimes. I was so incredibly down yesterday. I was having second thoughts and even doubting certain things, like whether or not my husband truly wants to adopt. Sometimes I forget that he's a man, and he isn't going to show his excitement the same way I do. I am so anxious to register, and I can't stay away from the baby dept of any store. But it seems like he could care less.

But then every once in a while he melts my heart. I was working today when I get a random picture message. It was a picture of a ginormous (yes, I made that word up) green sock monkey. Totally cute. Brandon said he wanted to buy it for the baby. Maybe it's just my emotions, but I almost teared up. I realized that while he may not be into baby clothes or nursery decor, that doesn't mean he isn't excited. And just because he doesn't talk about the baby 24/7 like I do doesn't mean he doesn't think about the baby.

It was a simple thing, but it made me smile. :)

One step forward...ten steps back

That's how it seems, anyway. I feel like a basketcase! And I'm sure my husband wouldn't disagree! I am just up and down almost daily. I feel bipolar or something. It seems like one day I feel really hopeful and optimistic and have a lot to look forward to, but those days are always followed by a "down day." On my down days, I feel hopeless...like what we're doing is pointless because we'll NEVER get our baby home! I am NOT a patient person...I hate waiting! I know...patience is a virtue. Well, I don't have it. Today the reality of the possibility of waiting 3+ years for our baby hit me, and it has hit me hard. My heart hurts just thinking about going through this for 3 years or more! I want my baby home! We've been discussing the options of expanding our openness to other races. We got nowhere. Most people who read this will think terribly of us and call us racist, but that's ok. Because anyone who truly knows us knows that isn't the case. So, don't jump to conclusions and say "they don't want a black baby or a foreign baby." It's not that we don't want that child. Brandon isn't ready to discuss that yet, and that's ok. If it were up to me, I'd be fine with it, but he cares a lot what others think, particularly his family, and we have some family members that would NOT be on board with that, and to him that's just too much to deal with. He doesn't want the adoption to tear the family apart. I can understand that. He's also still grieving the fact that this child won't be ours biologically. That is normal. I still get sad when I think about not being pregnant, so I understand that, too. So, we'll continue on this path until God leads us elsewhere. I believe that if God wants us to go interracial, he'll lay it on both of our hearts.

So, today I need your prayers. Prayers for peace, encouragement, and patience. I never pray for patience, but I need peace to be patient. My heart is aching and longing for my baby. I need prayers for the courage and strength to give it to God and let HIM control when our baby comes home. That's a hard thing for me to do...I don't like not knowing.

I guess since today is a "down day" I can look forward to an "up day" tomorrow.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

How about this weather, huh? It's absolutely gorgeous! I had a pretty fabulous day. The only thing that would have made it more fabulous was if hubby didn't have to work all day. Boo! What did I do, you ask? (ok, you probably didn't ask because you probably don't care, but I'm going to tell you anyway!)

• Woke up at 7am...that's late for me. Yay for sleeping in!
• Laid in bed til 7:30...bliss
• Got up and laid on the couch watching my DVR'd episodes of Oprah and 19 Kids and counting until 10.
• Sorted through yard sale stuff in the garage
• Moved yard sale stuff from the front bedroom to the garage
• Priced yard sale stuff
• Planted flowers in my newly dug flower bed.
• Did some cleaning
• Spent pretty much all day outside
• Played with the neighbor's doggies...they came to visit me!
• Met the neighbor's little boy...cutie!
• Cleaned up the front bedroom (future nursery!)
  
• Took Brandon to dinner at Red Robin when he got off since he doesn't feel good
• Daily trip to Lowe's
  
• Watered newly planted flowers

And now I'm sitting here writing :) It was a great day all in all. And might I say that I got a little teary at the sight of the empty nursery. It's crazy to think that not too long from now there'll be a crib in there waiting for a little one to sleep in it. Wonderful feeling.

Dear Caterpillar,

Mommy and Daddy are working so very hard to bring you home! We have been so busy, and we are worn out, but it is so worth it! We would do anything to get you home! We love you!

Yes, I call the baby Caterpillar.

Baby Book

I recently ordered this adorable baby book. I know, it's a little early for the baby book, but this one was too cute to pass up. It's a baby book made specifically for the adoption process! Do you know how hard it is to find those? All the baby books you find in the store talk about what the pregnancy was like, labor, etc. This one has places for our first meeting, "the call", and where the baby came from. I am so excited to share our child's story with them! I want them to always embrace their story. That's why I am currently working on 2 other journals besides this blog. I've got a hand-written diary that I am writing as a letter to my child...it is very honest, and something that they will receive when they are old enough to handle the sad things as well as the good. I'm also creating a Life Book for our baby. A life book is basically a story book of their journey. I'm doing ours scrapbook style. Of course, there isn't much I can do with it since we don't have a referral yet, but I'm going to include pages and photos on all the things we're doing while we wait. I sure hope our child appreciates and treasures these, and my prayer is that these will help them know that they were loved and wanted.

Paypal donations!

I finally figured this out! I think.... :)

Look to your right ---------> See the donate button? You can now make donations and place orders from my website! If you're ordering greeting cards or teddies, send me an email letting me know what you want and how many, and I'll mail them to you! YAY!

Teddies- $8
Ducks - $5 (I wasn't too impressed with the size, so I lowered the price)
Handmade greeting cards- $3

THANK YOU!

Adopt a teddy (or a duck!)

We have these adorable teddies and ducks available for adoption! "Adopt" a teddy or a duck for $8 and help us get our baby home! Like a baby, these are small, but cute and cuddly! And a great symbolism of adoption! Let me know if you want one and I can mail it to you! My email is swindellk@hotmail.com

Get yours today!

Random thoughts on healthcare reform

This might make some people mad, but that's ok. :)

I am completely disgusted with our country, and terrified at the direction it is going in. I've heard many people say they want this socialist healthcare, but 99.9% of those people don't work! Most of those I have talked to who like this wretched bill want free insurance, but don't want to work for it. They want everything handed to them. Well, here's a wakeup call...GET A JOB! I want to be a stay at home mommy more than anything, but chances are I'll have to work for the insurance, and I'm ok with that. I like the insurance I have, and I get off my lazy butt every day and come in to work. I was taught if I want something in life, to work for it. Never to expect handouts. And that's what I want to teach my kids. The fact of the matter is, this bill terrifies me. If my child gets really ill, or is injured, I do NOT want to have to wait 6 months to see a Dr. People are taking for granted the fact that we can get in to see most Drs immediately. Now, when our child is home, we'll have to always fear that something will happen to them and we won't be able to get them into the Dr, and they could die from something as stupid as a cold, that turns into pneumonia. People should not die over that! We have the best healthcare in the world...why are we giving that up??

Not to mention, that those of us who DO work are going to be paying for not only the insurance of those who are too lazy to work, but ILLEGALS! Are you kidding me??? I am going to be getting a smaller paycheck because you don't want to work, and because illegals now have American rights? Seriously??

Dear Birthmother

I am currently reading a book called "Dear Birthmother." I just started it, and already it's had me in tears. Definitely heart-wrenching. It's really got me thinking about our future birthmother. I love her so much already. I cannot imagine the amount of strength it must take to not only choose life for your baby, but to carry your child for nine months knowing that you will go into the hospital, go through labor, and walk out empty handed. I know it will be hard for me to walk into a hospital not being pregnant and leave with a baby, but to know that baby's movements....to be literally connected to them for nine months, and then have to hand them over....wow. What do you say to that?

And while I'm talking about birthparents, I can't help but wonder something. When an adoptive parent is talking to someone about their adoption, specifically the birthmom in this case, where does that person get the idea that THAT would be the perfect time to make comments like "Haven't they ever heard of birth control?" or "She should have kept her legs closed." I think I've mentioned this before, but this is a comment I've encountered several times, and it gets under my skin in a hurry. I try not to get angry with people (or at least not let them see it) because (a) it won't do any good, and (b) I try to remember that they are mostly just uneducated about adoption in general, and that I was too at one point (Not that I know it all now by any means). So, what I say to those who feel that way is that this is the woman that is going to make having a family a possibility for us. Without her sacrifice and selflessness, we may never get that opportunity. Also, it doesn't matter to me how or why she got into her situation. I've done my fair share of stupid things, and I could have been in her shoes myself at one point. I've done things that I am not proud of, which I won't get into in a public blog, but don't have a problem talking about. I think about what would have happened if I had gotten pregnant at 19 when I found out that my boyfriend was a convicted felon and was in jail. It was a stupid decision, but I easily could have been in that situation. Sadly, most of us could have. So, don't judge someone until you know their story. Actually, don't even do it then. Just love them with the love of Jesus. They need that more than they need a finger in their face.

Ok, I'm off my soapbox now :)

50 years!

On March 12th, we celebrated Mom and Dad's 50th Wedding Anniversary! They are the most adorable couple I have ever known, even if I am partial. They still hold hands and everything! :) I pray that my marriage is half as successful as theirs has been! Congrats, mom and Dad! I love you!

No more training!

We have officially completed our adoption training! No more Tuesday evening drives to Columbia! That being said, we have both really enjoyed training, and we've learned a lot. We've had many conversations about things we never would have thought about. Last night, we had the opportunity to hear a birthmother speak. She was a beautiful young lady, my age. Her story was truly heart-wrenching and I had to fight back tears. It is so humbling to hear her side of the story. I won't share her story because it isn't mine to share, but it was very eye-opening to hear what the birthmothers really go through, even though each birthmother is different. It is humbling to know that a woman will choose life and experience so many different emotions so that we can have a family. Wow.

We have a few more fundraisers in mind, but we won't start them until after our yard sale Easter Weekend! I have my hands full with fundraisers right now. We are praying hard that we will be able to turn our paperwork in very, very soon!

Don't forget! Our Jim N Nick's fundraiser is Next Thursday, the 25th! Hope to see you there!

Dear baby

Dear Baby,

I think ab0ut you every single day, but today is especially hard. I've been crazy busy getting things together for various fundraisers and our big yard sale. But in the midst of running around like a mad woman, I can help but wonder about you. I ran to Target to grab a gallon of milk, and couldn't resist conveniently walking through the baby department. I want you in my arms so badly. Today as I lay on the couch watching TV, I wished so badly that you were napping on my chest. And when I was sitting in your room sorting through yard sale stuff, I thought about how one day I'll be sitting in that very floor playing with you, or rocking you to sleep, and that day cannot come fast enough. It sounds silly, but those are the things I look forward to the most. Daddy can't wait to take you to the zoo! He loves it there (and just between you and me, I think it's his true home! :P )
We are beginning to make plans for your room, and we're looking through baby name books. We can't wait to have you home where you belong. We love you so much already.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

When family doesn't support.....

My heart is heavy. I feel like I have a thousand pounds on my shoulders right now. When you start learning about adoption, they have material on how to handle it when family doesn't support your adoption decision. I skipped that part. Why? Because I thought our family would be different. I truly thought that our entire family would be excited, happy, and supportive. I was wrong. Most of them are, but there are a few members that don't support our decision. I can understand that it's their job to worry about how we'll afford a baby and whatnot, but it's also their job to support and love us whether we make the decisions they want us to make or not. As if it weren't hard enough knowing they don't support us, they have said some hurtful things like "you need to have your own," and "this child won't be your own." First of all (without getting on my soapbox), this child WILL be ours, even though it won't have Brandon's eyes or my nose. It will be the child God has planned for us. He or she is just coming through a different journey. Secondly, saying that we NEED to have our own makes me feel like I have let everyone down, like it's my fault because of what my body doesn't do. That hurts worse than anything. I feel like they're upset with me because of something I cannot help. I also fear that these members won't love the child, or if we have a biological child later that they'll treat the 2 differently. I can't allow my child to grow up feeling inadequate because of where they came from.

Anyway, I am asking for the help of other adoptive parents....did you go through this with your families? How did it turn out? How did you handle it?

This is exhausting!

The adoption, that is! I don't think I was quite prepared for how much work we would have to do to raise the money. But that's ok! I am up for the challenge! (ask me again in a week. That answer may change.)

We have been CRAZY busy doing several fundraisers, some have been successful. Others, not so much. We have COMPLETED the paperwork! Yep! That's right, it's DONE. Now I just need 2K to turn it in! We desperately need your help!

Carol is still offering the Mary Kay fundraiser! We are hoping to get 10 sets sold, and we need 7 more to reach that goal. So go buy your Satin Hands Pampering set, put my name in the comments, and not only do you help bring our baby home, but you get a fantastic gift for yourself or a loved one! (Mother's Day is knocking on your door!)
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.marykay.com%2Fcarolstevens%2Fdefault.aspx&h=a57dd7849ae34e804be41359fdccd594

I still have greeting cards for sale! Let me know what you need and I can custom make them for you!

And our biggest fundraiser yet....Jim N Nicks Spirit Night!! On Thursday, March 25 from 5-9pm we will be at the Smyrna location. You'll see us up front with a big bowl (and maybe a cardboard sign that says "Will work for a baby." ). All you have to do is come eat, and put your receipt in the bowl, and check out our silent auction! We are working on compiling some great items. So far I have a massage, some homemade things, a pair of Titans tickets, and I'm picking up a donation this evening, but I'm not sure what it is yet. Stay tuned! I will post the list of items online before the auction (hopefully the 15th if we have everything by then. If not, the 22nd) and you can bid through email, and the items will be on display at Jim N Nicks on the 25th, which is where the auction will end! (Winners will be notified within a few days and we will work out delivery/pickup). So, come on out and get some grub! :)

Thank you to all who have donated already!

Happy Tuesday!

"Good morning, Daddy! What's for breakfast?"

This is a pic Brandon took as he made his coffee this morning. Apparently we had 2 hungry kitties!