Tuesday, March 30, 2010

One step forward...ten steps back

That's how it seems, anyway. I feel like a basketcase! And I'm sure my husband wouldn't disagree! I am just up and down almost daily. I feel bipolar or something. It seems like one day I feel really hopeful and optimistic and have a lot to look forward to, but those days are always followed by a "down day." On my down days, I feel hopeless...like what we're doing is pointless because we'll NEVER get our baby home! I am NOT a patient person...I hate waiting! I know...patience is a virtue. Well, I don't have it. Today the reality of the possibility of waiting 3+ years for our baby hit me, and it has hit me hard. My heart hurts just thinking about going through this for 3 years or more! I want my baby home! We've been discussing the options of expanding our openness to other races. We got nowhere. Most people who read this will think terribly of us and call us racist, but that's ok. Because anyone who truly knows us knows that isn't the case. So, don't jump to conclusions and say "they don't want a black baby or a foreign baby." It's not that we don't want that child. Brandon isn't ready to discuss that yet, and that's ok. If it were up to me, I'd be fine with it, but he cares a lot what others think, particularly his family, and we have some family members that would NOT be on board with that, and to him that's just too much to deal with. He doesn't want the adoption to tear the family apart. I can understand that. He's also still grieving the fact that this child won't be ours biologically. That is normal. I still get sad when I think about not being pregnant, so I understand that, too. So, we'll continue on this path until God leads us elsewhere. I believe that if God wants us to go interracial, he'll lay it on both of our hearts.

So, today I need your prayers. Prayers for peace, encouragement, and patience. I never pray for patience, but I need peace to be patient. My heart is aching and longing for my baby. I need prayers for the courage and strength to give it to God and let HIM control when our baby comes home. That's a hard thing for me to do...I don't like not knowing.

I guess since today is a "down day" I can look forward to an "up day" tomorrow.

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